Bargaining with God

I've done it many times - I'm sure you have too -- praying that if the Lord would do XYZ in our life then we would do ABC.

When I was experiencing my infertility issues in my early 20's - I can remember each month begging the Lord to "let this be the month" and promising the Lord all kinds of things if it could only be true.  I look back at it now and can see my lack of faith - of trusting the Lord for he can see the "big picture" and that I was only caught up in my immediate pain.

While going to all the doctors trying to overcome my infertility - it came to light that while my mother was pregnant with me (in the late 1950's) she took a drug (diethylstilbestrol - known as DES) to help with stopping miscarrying me.  She had had 4 miscarriages before me.  And she trusted her doctors and believed that this drug was good and would help her carry me to full term.  What she did not know is the lasting effects that that drug would have on my health and fertility.  I recently started doing more reading on the drug - I had known it was the cause of my infertility - but did not have a clue on what other effects it had on me.

With the revelations I had learned, I found myself asking the Lord once again - why did you not just let me still get pregnant - all things are possible - and I had read of other DES daughters still being able to conceive - though having troubled pregnancies.   And the Lord showed me, that this drug would have effected the lives of my daughters and possibly granddaughters - and that I would not have been able to survive the gut wrenching guilt and pain of it.  That took my breath away.  Yes, I had gone through much pain when I was young and trying to conceive - but Jesus could see the future and was guarding my heart from something an even greater pain - the knowledge that I had passed on this infirmity to others.

I think when we are going through troubles - yes, we need to reach out to the Lord and ask for help - but we should stop all the bargaining.  The Father has a plan for our lives, and he is perfectly capable to work around the evils of this world to see his will come to pass.  And we need to learn to trust in His plan - His will.  Our prayers should be one of praying for graces to help us work through our problems - not for them to magically go away.  I am thankful he put a wonderful Catholic doctor in my life at that time who said that it may be time to look at other options and being an adoptive father himself - he shared with me the beauties of adopting a child.  This conversation lead my husband and myself on a whole new path and within in a year we adopted a 7 year old son who need our love so desperately.

The pain of never birthing a child lingered with me for years - but the Lord have me the graces to put them aside and to rejoice the love of our son and grandchildren.

Trusting in God is a must for us and one of faith.  My prayers for myself and you is that our faith may continue to grow - our love of God consumes our heart and the peace of knowing we are walking this world with him at our side.

O Breathe on Me

O breathe on me, O breath of God,

Fill me with life anew,

That I may love the things you love,

And do what you would do.

O breathe on me, O breath of God,

Until my heart is pure,

Until my will is one with yours,

To do and to endure.

O breathe on me, O breath of God,

My will to yours incline,

Until this selfish part of me,

Glows with your fire divine.

O breathe on me, O breath of God,

So shall I never die,

But live with you the perfect life

Of your eternity.

                                                                                                 ~~Edwin Hatch
                                                                                                     1835 - 1889
                                                                                                     Public domain

Purpose in the Journey

Have you ever been at a point in your life you just ask God "What in the world is going on here - why am I having to go through this (fill in the blank)?"  Life is storming all around you - the waves are high and are threatening your life. I can assure you I definitely have.

We all have those issues which at the time feel like they will break us - for me, there have been so many --- not being able to conceive a child, going through a lengthy adoption process, a break-up of a marriage, financial issues, medical issues, death of a parent and another in deteriorating health; and the list goes on.  I can remember each time I would ask God "why is this happening - what have I done - what is the purpose of this drama - how am I to survive this?"  It can feel like your whole life has been attacked, and your journey has been stalled - turned upside down and inside out, and there isn't any way you can see that will move you out of it.  But then a ray of light will shine and  a path will open - one you did not see before, perhaps you can only see the first couple of steps, but you are drawn to it and it takes courage and strength to put one foot in front of the other.

I believe that all the challenges we go through in life, is part of a greater journey - and though we do not see the end, and we cannot understand what meaning there is in the steps we take - there is a greater plan - God's will versus our own will.  It makes me think of the old adage "it is the journey, not the destination."

Our journey may take us up hill and down - to the highest mountain tops and into deepest valleys.  Have you noticed that we grow closer to God in the valleys of our lives?  It is when all human ability is for not - and only the grace of God can save us.  Faith is found in those valleys - love and mercy are there too.

Christ calls us to trust - trust in him even when the storm surges all around us; when we are in the deepest darkest valleys.  It reminds me of when Jesus and the disciples were in the boat and a storm blew in tossing them about - the disciples were so afraid that they would capsize and drown, but Jesus was calmly sleeping through it.  And in their distress, the disciples woke Jesus - who rebuked the storm and calmed the waves.  And even though Jesus chastised them for their lack of faith - it tells me that even when all life is storming around you and your faith is not strong - simply turning to Jesus will help to calm the waves and will help your faith to grow.

Turning to Christ each day, even though the storm is growing around you - also grows your faith - and opens you up to the Lord's mercy.  Mercy is what will save us - and mercy can be found in every storm or dark valley we travel through.

Today I choose to not allow the storm to take my focus off of what is most important - I pray the same for you.